Chapter 12
Oother liked fate. But now, it was about justice.
And justice needd to be served. Spadang Skaran had gone too fr. He had destoryd planets, universes, species and races. Billions of peple throughout the universe had had ther lives ruind by him. Yes, justice needed to be served, and justice was what, curtesea of Oother Pendragon, he would fuckmothering well get.
Oother took his gats and pointed them at Spadangs face. It was a badass smile that he held the gats with.
“You know wat killd teh dinosaurs?” he asked. “THE OOTHER AGE!”
He fired the gats quick. The bullets ZOOMD through the air into Spadangs face but hit a magick barrier! The bullets moved thru the air with magick and spun arund at were going toward Oother at a speed! And at the same time Spadang fired HIS gats so billions of bulets were going towards Oother!
“HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!”
Oother had to act quick. He sumersaultd throu the air and dodgeded some bullets so he cud build up speed. As he sped towards Spadang he reachd a velocity so the remaining bullets SHATTERD against his badass shell and exploded in the air harmlesly. He droppd back to the grund.
“Fantastic” Oother sed, dreadpanly. “What a super twick.”
“GYUH!” Spadang responded. He sumersolted through the air towards Oother and aimed his masheen gun and his laser gun and his rocket gun at the same time. Meanwhile he used his magick to aim a billion miniguns at Oother and spinning daggers and shurricans and viles of boiling acid.
But Oother too had loads of guns. He jumped in the air and aimed an oozie with his left hand and a bazooker with his rite. He operrated a crossbow with his toes of one foot and a grenad launcher with the other. He had a pee shooter in his mouth and the gadget from Moonracker on his rist that is activatted by rist movement. He was badass enough that he could match Spadangs arsernul even WITHOUT magick.
And the shootout began. The air was full of bullets and boms and lasers and arows and it was like Star Wars meets Lord of the Rungs meets Scarface meets loads of other awesome films. But in the end Spadang had magick and he managed to turn Oothers guns agenst him! They were ALL pointed at him, this is like 7 gazillion guns all aimed at HIM.
Oother acted fast. He reached down to his socks were two extra rocket lonchers were kept. He pulled them out and pointed at the rogue guns.
“SUCK ON THAT!” he shouted and BANG.
The clod of smoke disapered and Spadang was flotting far behind. He still had loads of guns and evil wepons floating about him and Oother had nun now.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YOU ARE DOOMED YOU FUCKER!”
Oother was defeated. “Oh no! I give up Spadang Skaran, you have bested me!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH IM SO AWESOME!” Spadang laughed.
Oother hunched on the floor. “Just finish me off… quickly!” he wepped.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOUR LIFE WILL BE PANE!” Spadang carried on laughing, with loads of magick guns floating around him AND magick torture implements! He advanced on Oother with a portable Sarlack so he could be slowly digested in pane over thousands of yers.
“SAY GOODBYE PENDRA…”
WACK! went Oothers fist as he SMACKED Spadang across the room.
“I may not have a gun, motherfucker” Oother said badassly. “But I can still do you a considerabel amount of harm.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Spadang said. “YOU ARE A FOOL!”
“You are the one who was fooled” Oother replied, smirking. “You ain’t gonna see no Tears of Oother Pendragon just yet.”
Oother advanced on the evil fucker and EFFORTLESSLY kung food through the army of wepons to KICK him in the face AND the balls AND the gut. But Spadang retalliated and smacked Oother back. It was a battel of fists of steel and fury. They were fighting in the air and sumersalting and you couldn’t see the wires.
Spadang was getting more hits on Oother than the other way round and was winning the battel.
“HAHAHAHAHAAHAH YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOUR NOT EVEN PUNCHING ME YOUR PUNCHING THE AIR!” Spadang said as he smacked Oothers face repettedly.
“Think again” Oother said. Spadang looked around and saw ALL HIS GUNS HAD BEEN PUNCHED OUT OF THE AIR. He was WEPPONLESS.
“Now Spackdang” Oother said calmly. “We can fite with guns like babies, or we can fite with hands and feet like badass motherfuckers. Which do you choose?”
“GUNS!” Spadang shouted and pulled out a bazooker from his pants. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
But Oother reched into his OWN pants and got out Excalliber and SLICED the bazooker in two. And then he deliverd a KICK to Spadangs now unpotected bollocks and snet him FLYING down to the ground. Crashing agenst the wall, Spadang fell through the bar.
And Oother pulld a face.
…………………………………………………………………………………………
Oother walked across the ground to the crumpled body of Spadang Skaran. Spadang was motinless and cuverd in blood and Oother new what he had to do.
“Spadang fuckmothering Skaran” he sed, looking down at him. “You should never have fucked with the veterans. Along yo came wit yo all-caps and yo hahahahas, when this world only had enough room for ONE badass motherfucker. And now once agen there is only one!”
“DAMN FUCKING RIGHT THERE IS!” Spadang roared SLAMMING his monstrous fist into Oothers face and nocking him down the stares. The two rolld down and fell down the starcase to the doom pit of Spadangs office. No wepons. No secret bazookers or sords. Just two angry motherfuckers with a cunt of a grudge.
Oother got his hands around Spadangs throat as they rithed on the floor but Spadang KNEED him in the chest and he smashed throu the wall. Suddenly Oother was dangling over a massive pit that led into blackness. He was holding on just by the thred of a loose bit of wire!
“OOTHER!” Spadang sed, in rage now. “YOU CANT FUCKING KILL ME THERES A FUCKING PROPHECY YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”
He hacked at the wire Oother was holding onto slowly and Oother was about to fall…
“You’re right, Spadang” Oother said, not flunching. “But did you hear about the other prophecy?”
“WHAT? WHAT FUCKING PROPHECY YOU FUCKING FUCK?!”
“I heard that Spadang Skaran is going to fall into this pit.”
“WHAT THE FUCK WHO DID YOU HEAR THAT FROM?”
“A badass sauce, many would say THE badass sauce…” Oother replied. “Me!”
Suddenly Oother TUGGED on the wire causing it to snap and make Spadang trip up and FALL OVER THE EDGE. They both tumbled down the abiss fast.
WHOOSH! Oother narrowly dodged the fist of Spadang Skaran hurtling towards him throu the air.
“NICE FUCKING TRY.” Spadangs voice sed. “I DONT FUCKING CARE COS I CANT DIE! BUT YOU WILL!”
Oother launched his own fist back at Spadang.
“I ain’t lisening to no fuckmothering prophecy!”
Suddenly Oother saw a ledge in the middle of the pit. He was going to collide with it fast so he pressd a button quick to form a parashoot with the flag of Comelot on it. He lookd over and Spadang too had a parashoot with HAHAHAHAHA! on it.
“There are some constants in dis world, Skaran!” he shouted as they drifted down. “The sun goes up in the morning, the moon goes round the earth, and Oother is one badass mortherfukcer!”
“NOPE!” Spadang yeled. “THE ONLY CONSTANT IS THAT SPADANG SKARAN IS THE RULR OF AN EVIL EMPIRE AND IS A BAD MAN WHO TERIFIYS EVERYONE!”
As they landed on the ledge which was now in the middle of a big rom like the one in Empire Striks Back with random ledges and generators and pits and shit for no reason, they ran towads each other. They wer matchin each other punch for punch but Oother saw a rage in Spadan he had neer seen before. His hattred of Oother had amplied the magick in him to amazing extrems and Spadang was backing Oother to the edge of the ledge!
“HA!” Spadang shouted, smacking Oother vilently. “HA!” he said, kicking him in the chest. “HA!” he continud, elboing him over the edge. After a wile Oother was agen clinging on for deer life!
“I have something to tell you” Spadang said, calmly. His hatred of Oother had overiden even his habit of speking in caps.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Oother shouted, as he new what was coming.
“I… am… YOUR FATHER!”
Oother cried out “THAT’S IM-FUCKMOTHERING-POSSIBLE!!!!!!”
“Search your feelings, you know it to be true! You are an inferior copy of me.
“BUT… THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”
Spadang was ecstatic. “My greatest enemy, the king of Cameltolt, reduced to cries of anguish befor his imminant demise!”
But then Spadang heard something very very starnge.
“Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!”
It was Oother’s voice. Spadang lookd down.
“No Spadang, I ment that its actually impossible!”
Oother smirked. “You can’t be my father. Becos my father was a grate man, a hero, the stuff of lejends. My father was an ancient Roman hero and warrior of lejends, the most badass soldier known to man. My father… was Rory Pendragon. And I’ve inherited one thing from him…”
He LEAPT to his feet and shoved his hand RIGHT INTO SPADANGS HART!
“…I’m REALLY fucking difficult to kill!”
Oother tensed his mussels and in one powarful moment draned all the magick from Spadangs body. He reeled back, knocked back by the huge powar of all the magick Spadang had built up throu his tiranny. He had to subdue it, destory it.
Spadang collapsd pantin on the floor. His magick mussels had gone, his powar was draned and he was a muggle agen. But he lookd at Oother strugling to subdue the magick he had just taken and saw a window of opertunity.
“How ironic, Pendragon!” he snickerd. “You suceeded in destroying all my wepons and all my magick, but in the end I will kill you with one simpel push.”
He positioned his foot agenst Oothers strugglin body.
“In the words of Peerce Brosnan in my favrite film Die Anothar Day… IT’S TIME TO FACE GRAVITY!”
BOINK!
Spadang had felt something hit the back of his hed and knock him over. He looked up to see advancing along the ledge a MASSIV army of goons.
There were hundreds comin toward him and they wer angry. And they were chanting…
“SPADANG IS A CUNT! SPADANG IS A CUNT!”
“WHAT IS THIS!” he yelled as he felt two goons grab his arms from behind. He lookd up to see the leeder of the group, standing before him with a baton in his hands…
“PC ANDY!”
“That’s SERGEANT Andy to you!” replied the Whelshman. “Spadang Skaran, I am placin you under arrest for mass Goonicide, and also for being a tierant, a murderer, a terribel boss, a fashist, a dicatator, and above all… a prannet. Take him away lads!”
“BUT WHAT HAPPENED!” Spadang yelled as he was carried along the crowd. “YOU WER MY LOYAL FATHFUL GOONS!”
“We had an inspiraton” Sergeant Andy replid. “A wonderful man who inspird us to rise abov our oppresion, a breeleant man who taut us what our rites should be, an incredible man who showed us the way to freedom throu the medium of comedy.”
The goons positioned Spadang over the pit and began to launch him off. Spadang clawed at the air but it was too late, and the last thing he herd as he fell into the bottomles blackness of the pit was the voice of a Whelshman calling down at him.
“But he wasn’t a man,” Sergeant Andy said proudly. “He was a Zora.”
…………………………………………………………………………………
Spadang fel and fel for what seemed like minutes (wich is was). He fel past generators and pools of boiling acid and spike pits but non of them were in his path. He had modeled this pit after the one in Empire Strikes Back so he new where the exost pipe was wich would drop him into freedom!
“IDIOTS!” he gloaterd as he fel out the bottom of the Evil Doom Fortress of Doom and into fresh are. Around him was the reck of his fleet and he could see Oothers all around cleaning up the aftermaths of the battel. “SPADANG SKARAN SURVIVES AGAIN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
He fell past clouds and smog and ash until he could see the outline of the ground. He new he was free!
“I WILL BUILD MY EMPIRE AGEN! YOU WILL LEARN OOTHER PENDARGON! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
As he reched the ground he crawled into a ball and as he impacted he went into a Zelda roll to survive the fall. He made a crater in the ground wich he landed in but he was fine.
“HELLO AGAIN EARTH!” he shouted. “NOW I AM FREE TO ENSLAVE YOU AGEN! I AM FREEEEE!”
“Not so fast, foolish human.”
Spadang turned round to see two feet standing above the crater. He lookd up and saw an evil grin, a menasing looming figar wearing a dark stetsun. Beside him wer two equally imposing figars, a dark ninja and a threttening Jedi Night.
“Spadang Skaran,” said Max Smith. “We finaly meet, and it’s a plesure!”
“LOOK IM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR CHATTING SO GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY” Spadang said, his patiens gone by now.
“Oh, but we want you to stay! We’ve been waitin so long for this moment. Allow us to introduce ourselves…”
Max Smith gave Spadang his hand an helped him out of the crater.
“My name is Maximillion Smith, Tim Lord. This ar my assosiuts Hans Solo, Master Jedi, and Suelu Chang, Ninja Warrior. Together, we form The Allijance, a secret organisation who hav spent many, many yers dedicated to one specific porpoise…”
The three men closed around Spadang menacingly.
“To assassinate, murder and kill Spadang Skaran!”
Hans and Suelu KNOCKED the once grate tierant to the ground and held his arms down as Max Smith stood over him.
“We were worrid we’d never get to see this day. It’s good to have SOMETHING to do other than standing on the fucking ground commenting on stuff for the last few fucking months.”
He laughed evilly.
“But now, you evil shit, we have you at our mercy.”
Spadang was on his last rung, but with no magick or wapons he had one resort left…
“HAHAHAHAHAHA! NOT SO FAST… Dock TOR!”
Spadang began to shake as Suelu and Hans’s hands were nocked away!
“ITS TIME FOR YOU TO SEE… MY TRULY TRUE FORM!”
And Spadang Skaran before their very eyes transformed into A MASSIVE DRAGON!
“RUN!”
The three members of The Allijance ran down the hill away from the laughing flames of the evil Spadang Skaran.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” the dragon yelled as it brethed fire at them and infamed the ground behind them. They ran and ran until the reched the city of York that theyd ben outside all these months.
“Fook hes goin to kill oozz!” Hans Solo shouted as they ran. Their magick had been draned helping Oother in his battel earlier so they were powerless to fite the dragon.
“I have faced this dragon befor” said Suelu. “But that time I had blue matter, his weekness! Where the fuck are we going to find tht here?”
The dragon flew above them circling. It chased them throu the strets until it had backd them into a corner.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!” Spadang yelled. “IVE LOST EVERYTHING BUT I CAN STILL FUCKING KILL LITTEL SHITS LIKE YOU THREE! YOU HAVE NOTHING WICH CAN HARM ME!”
“You’re right.”
“HUH?” Spadang said, lookin down.
“You’re right, Skaran” said Max Smith. “We dont hav anything wich can harm you. You mite as well just stamp on us now.”
“WHA… YEAH, THAT’S WHAT IM GOING TO FUCKING DO!”
“But I’ve faced that kind of situaton many times. And every time I remmber what an old frend of mine used to say. He used to ask me why we never faced an alien threat that WASN’T immune to bullets. Always fought things that wer impossible to kill, he did, no mattar the odds. And today, Spadang Skaran, we ar going to follow his example. This man’s name was Brigadier Sir Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart. And in the words of this great man…”
He turned to Hans and Suelu.
“Chap with the wings there, FIVE ROUNDS RAPID!”
Hans Solo ran at Spadang with two palsma rifles extaticly.
“FOR THE CHEWIIIIEEEES!!!!!!!!” he yelled firing at him. The palsma did nothing but just made Spadang angrier.
“Keep him sweet!” Max Smith shouted. “I know just what I need to beat Skaran, I just need an internet cafe!”
Max and Suelu had both ran off so Hans ran and grabbd onto Spadangs wing.
“HAHAHAHAHAH!” Spadang laughed, flying into the air and trying to shake Hans off. “I FEEL IN THE MOOD FOR CHEWING SOMETHING! GET IT? CHEWING!”
“You vicious bastard!” Hans yelld. “You had no rite to enslav that hole species! But by doin that you insited the roth of Hans Solo, Chewy Defender. And for that reeson I hav some advice for you, Skaran…”
Hans Solo got out a nife and thrust it deep into the dragons spine.
“Next time... let the Wooky win!”
“AAAARGGHHHHH!!!!!” Spadang yelld rithing in pane. He couldn’t fly hi no more and crashd to the ground.
“FOOL! I AM EVEN MORE DANGEROUS ON TEH GROUND!” he roared, shaking Hans off and smashing bildings around. “YOUVE REALLY FUCKING DONE IT NOW!” he yelld lifting his giant foot and preparing to STAMP on Hans…
“HAHAHAHAHA! WHERE AR YOR ALLIJANCE FRENDS NOW?”
“Here” said Max Smith, standing behind him. “Step away from Solo or I shoot, Skaran.”
“HAHAHAHA!” Spadang replied. “IM NOT A FOOL. THAT IS A SONIC SCREWDRIVER YOR PONTING AT ME. WITHOUT MAGICK ITS JUST A SCREWDRIVER!”
“It was…” said Max Smith, laughing evilly. “But now I’ve made this sonic screwdriver… into a weapon.”
He got out a SECOND screwdiver out of his other pocket and pointed them at each other. Suddenly he LEAPT at the giant dragon holding the screwdrivers and out came a GIANT STREAM OF BLUE AND GREEN FIRE!
“AAAAAARGH!!!!” shouted Spadang as the stream of fire KNOCKED him off his feet and smashed him agenst the opposit wall, destroying all in its path.
Max Smith flippd the scredrviers into his poket and stood over the giant, crippeled dragon, thrashin about.
“PRETTY COOL… EH?” he said, triumphuntly.
Max Smith then herd a rumbling and realised ther was an active volcano rite next to them!
“Hans” he said, clamly. “We need to do wat needs to be done. You grab one leg, I grab the other”.
The two men charged into the colossal trunks of Spadang the Dragon and pushed him up toward the steamin crater of lava. But Spadang thrashd and thrashed and was overporing them with his epic flames.
“YOU FOOLS! I AM A DARGON! YOUR STRUGGLE IS FUTILE!” Spadang yelled. “NOW PREPARE TO FACE FIERY DETH!”
Spadang pointed his mouth at the two wariors and opend his lungs… BUT ONLY A TINY BIT OF FIRE CAME OUT!
“NOOOO! WHAT IS HAPPENING!”
Max Smith lookd as the dragons fire disapered and his body shriveld up until it was only half its original size. Above him stood Suelu Chang holding a giant broken bottel of blue mattar!
“Suelu!” Max Smith gasped. “That’s toxic, lethal stuf! Where did you find it in a town lik York?”
“It was in this place calld Willow” Suelu replied. “I think they wer puttin it in the drinks”
“AAAAARGHHH!!!” Spadang yelled. “WHEN ARE YOU PEEPLE GOING TO FUCKING LEARN I WONT DIE!”
“We’ll be the judj of that” Max Smith replied, grabbing onto his leg.
“Smith, Chang…” Solo said ponderly as he grabbd another of the beasts trunks. “Its been emotional guys. Its been fun”
“My brothers” Suelu agreed, charging agenst a third trunk. “So much to say, such little time!”
“For foolish humans, youve been amazing” Max Smith bromanced.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Spadang shouted, struggling as they pushed him to the edge of the volcano. “YOU GUYS DON’T GET THE FUCKING PICTURE! HAVE YOU NOT HEARD THE PROFECY? NO PEOPLE CAN KILL ME!”
Max Smith steppd back from the leg for a second to grin into Spadangs rithing face.
“Oh, Skaran” he said, lookin him in the eyes. “Am I people? Do I even LOOK like people?”
And with that he charged his full bodily mite agenst the mighty beast. Within seconds Spadang Skaran was toppling rite into the bottom of the lava, never to be seen agen, with three mitey warriors attached to his monstrous legs, finally completing the mishon they had been strivin for for so long.
And thus ended the long, evil tyrannical rane of the most hated dicator of all time. But it was not he who the volcano of York was rememberd for, but the three heroes.
For every tim locals or students walkd through the city, they wer always aware of the three wise Guardian Spirits watching over them. It was sed that occasionaly at nite a wise samari would appear to ward off muggers and rapists. Some claimed that once a year, a pilgramage of strange bear-like people would walk throu the streets of the city in mourning, as if drawn by an unown presence. And sometimes, just sometimes, if you listened really closely on a quiet nite, one could hear, very faintly and quietly, deep beneth the ground, the gentle voice of a happy spirit laughing evilly to himself.
………………………………………………………………..
But Oother was not aware of any of this. While this was happning, he had been in a long struggle the the powar he had draned from Spadang. It was hurting him, it was eatin away at him, all this goddamned evil!
Oother knew at once that ther was a powar higher than Spadang behind the horribel fate that had happend to the world. Spadang was just a prawn in the game. He had nown all along that it wouldn’t be a eesy as killing Spadang himself. He would have to face the REAL monster if he truly wanted a victory.
Steeling himself he felt his body bein lifted up into another plain, leaving the material world for another realm. He was lifted into the Heavens, slowly risin throu the clowds until he cud only see wite. Since his days in Cameltolt, since his early days as a king, it had alyaws been about this battel.
As he rose he saw a shap make form abov him. It was an evil shape, evil an indescirbible and horribel and hellish. Like a Kerthooloo style abonimation but horribler. As he rose he cud make out the montrocity had a top hat on and was wieldin a wand and ther wer rabbits crawling out of it an it had a huge grinning face. He had a momen of yooforia as he realisd all his belifs, that peopl had mocked and slandred him for akll his life, wer true!
He reched the top of his clime. Oother was looking into the face of evil.
“Hello Oother!” said the face. “I am magick.”
To be continued…